Some Humor of the Famous
 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter) .
 I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” – Eleanor Roosevelt .
 Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain .
 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns .
 Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge .
 Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain .
 What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce. – Mark Twain .
 By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates .
 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx .
 My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante .
 The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. – Jilly Cooper .
 I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor .
 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine .
 Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain .
 My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Ed Furgol .
 Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan .
 What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. – Henny Youngman .
 I am opposed to millionaires .. but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. – Mark Twain .
 Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. – Joe Namath .
 Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. – Herbert Henry Asquith .
 I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope .
 I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – WC. Fields .
 We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers .
 Don’t worry about avoiding temptation … as you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill .
 Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. – Phyllis Diller .
 The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good spit it out. – Unknown .
 By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal