Some Humor of the Famous

 [1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter) .
 [2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” – Eleanor Roosevelt .
 [3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain .
 [4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns .
 [5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge .
 [6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain .
[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce. – Mark Twain .
[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates .
[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx .
[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante .
 [11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. – Jilly Cooper .
 [12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor .
 [13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine .
[14] Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain .
[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Ed Furgol .
 [16] Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan .
 [17] What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. – Henny Youngman .
 [18] I am opposed to millionaires .. but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. – Mark Twain .
 [19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. – Joe Namath .
[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. – Herbert Henry Asquith .
 [21] I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope .
 [22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – WC. Fields .
[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers .
 [24] Don’t worry about avoiding temptation … as you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill .
[25] Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. – Phyllis Diller .
 [26] The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good spit it out. – Unknown .
[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal

About John

John Bolinger was born and raised in Northwest Indiana, where he attended Ball State University and Purdue University, receiving his BA and MA from those schools. Then he taught English and French for thirty-five years at Morton High School in Hammond, Indiana before moving to Colorado. He spends his winters in Pompano Beach, Florida. Besides COME SEPTEMBER, Journey of a High School Teacher, John's other books are ALL MY LAZY RIVERS, an Indiana Childhood, and COME ON, FLUFFY, THIS AIN'T NO BALLET, a Novel on Coming of Age, all available on Amazon.com as paperbacks and Kindle books. Alternately funny and touching, COME SEPTEMBER, conveys the story of every high school teacher’s struggle to enlighten both himself and his pupils, encountering along the way, battles with colleagues, administrators, and parents through a parade of characters that include a freshman boy for whom the faculty code name is “Spawn of Satan,” to a senior girl whose water breaks during a pop-quiz over THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS. Through social change and the relentless march of technology, the human element remains constant in the book’s personal, entertaining, and sympathetic portraits of faculty, students, parents, and others. The audience for this book will certainly include school teachers everywhere, teenagers, parents of teens, as well as anyone who appreciates that blend of humor and pathos with which the world of public education is drenched. The drive of the story is the narrator's struggle to become the best teacher he can be. The book is filled with advice for young teachers based upon experience of the writer, advice that will never be found in college methods classes. Another of John's recent books is Mum's the Word: Secrets of a Family. It is the story of his alcoholic father and the family's efforts to deal with or hide the fact. Though a serious treatment of the horrors of alcoholism, the book also entertains in its descriptions of the father during his best times and the humor of the family's attempts to create a façade for the outside world. All John's books are available as paperbacks and Kindle readers on Amazon, and also as paperbacks at Barnes & Noble. John's sixth and most recent book, Growing Old in America: Notes from a Codger was released on June 15, 2014.
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